What is Parallel Parenting?

Are you experiencing a “high conflict” custody case after your divorce or separation? Do what should be routine conversations or small problems explode into arguments? Or does your ex-partner use parenting calls as a cover for control and abuse?

If so, you may be in a high conflict separation and may want to consider parallel parenting – an alternative to co-parenting – which can be in the best interest of the child. 

This article defines parallel parenting in relation to co-parenting, gives examples of what to do and not do when drafting your parenting agreement, and includes various legal considerations in setting boundaries.

Benefits of Parallel Parenting

Parallel parenting is a parenting arrangement for families in high conflict situations, where communication and co-parenting cannot work or where there are irreconcilable parenting styles. In this arrangement, you parent separately or “in parallel to” the other parent. During the time that you have the child, you make all the day-to-day decisions, minimizing all communication with the other parent to only emergency situations, and with specific rules governing the communication. For example, all communication may be required to be in writing and there may be a “Communication Notebook” that travels with the child.  

Because parallel parenting is an extreme situation, it is advised for situations where parents are in very high conflict situations, such as domestic violence. The reason for this is that minimizing communication allows less opportunity for emotional, physical, or psychological abuse. 

Further, a parent who survived the abuse is able to develop their own independent parenting style and is empowered to make decisions, which can rebuild her self-esteem and increase her ability to provide emotional and psychological care to the children. Lastly, in cases where a court orders a parallel parenting coordinator, these third-party intermediaries can help moderate the relationship. 

In these scenarios, ceasing communication may be in the best interest of the child, because the child is not used as a tool for control or intimidation of the other parent (which can traumatize the child). Additionally, the separation in communication can reduce daily conflict, which leads to a more stable home environment for the child. 

The strict but clear boundaries regarding communication in parallel parenting plans have the additional benefit of providing more structure and thus more freedom to parents. Instead of back-and-forth negotiation over small details, the parents are free to make daily decisions and are unburdened by constant communication from the other parent. 

To keep the other parent informed, parents have been advised by experts, and judges in court orders, to use a Communication Notebook which travels with the child. In this notebook, each parent writes any relevant information about what happened during the visit or any concerns (such as bedtime changes or upcoming issues). This is a way of allowing the other parent to have information about the child that is not time-sensitive, but without opening the door to conflict.

Parallel Parenting vs. Co-Parenting

Co-parenting is used when parents are in less conflict and can cooperate either with or without guidance and coaching from a third-party. In contrast, parallel parenting is for high conflict cases where the parents cannot communicate to make decisions together for the child, even on routine matters. For this reason, rather than attempt to talk out the difference, each parent makes the decision for their household, and the child follows the rule that exists at the house they are in.

Parallel Parenting vs. Joint Legal Custody

The term “custody” refers to two different concepts – one is physical custody (who is the child physically with), and legal custody (who makes decisions about the child). In most cases, the parents agree on a main custodial parent – but parents may or may not share legal custody, meaning consultation and collaboration in areas such as education, healthcare, and religious practices.

In a high conflict separation, however, joint legal custody of children is less advisable due to the inability of the parents to communicate without conflict. “This is consistent with case law observations that joint legal custody should not be awarded when parents cannot communicate and have made child-rearing a ‘battleground,’” a court writes in Carmichael v. Siegel, 754 N.E.2d 619, 635 (Ind.Ct.App.2001).

Dos and Don’ts in Drafting a Parallel Parenting Plan

The following do’s and dont’s are compiled after review of court decisions from the family and appellate courts in New York, Ohio, and Indiana. Based on those cases:

Do:

• Write clear, non-negotiable pickup and drop off times in the parenting plan for normal situations and holidays with rules for how to request modifications
• Define appropriate communications – what specifically needs to be communicated, by when, and how, and consider how a Communication Notebook can help you with non-emergency communications
• Explore your own personal parenting style and work on growing your ability to de escalate conflict situations to move toward a co-parenting arrangement in the future
• Create independent relationships with all of the people involved in your child’s life, including teachers, pastors, coaches, as you are equally responsible for involvement in the life of the child

Do not:

• Put mid-week parenting time into the custody schedule, because that will increase the number of contacts and communication between the parents, such as at child handover times
• Expect additional parenting time (or make-up parenting time even if it is legitimately missed), as these require fast and respectful communication, which can easily lead to conflict situations

Sample Legal Language for Parallel Parenting

The parents mutually agree to enter into a parallel parenting plan with the purpose of minimizing communication and contact between each other, when in the best interest of the child. 

The parents take notice that this agreement means the other parent will make day-to-day decisions without consultation and will use any parenting style they feel is in the best interest of the child.

The legal and physical custody rights remain unchanged. 

Communication will be handled as follows:

Emergency communications: are communications that involve the child’s health and safety, or are time-sensitive, often requiring a response from the other parent. These are rare. In emergency situations, the parent with the information should contact the other parent by written communication by text message [and/or ______].

Non-emergency communications: are all other communications. In most cases, the parents agree that this information can be shared via use of the Communication Notebook, in an email, or by direct share of the relevant information with no additional comments (e.g. forwarding a school flyer about an upcoming dance).

In any case where the parent cannot easily determine whether a situation is an emergency, they should [_______________]

[continue listing all possible issues, consider: late pickup and drop offs, child handover locations, holiday schedule changes]

Dealing with Parallel Parenting Issues (Before or After Court)

A parallel parenting plan is often entered into with consent of the parties, but it can also be ordered by the court. If you already have a parallel parenting plan from a court order and any issues arise afterwards, you can request assistance from a parenting coordinator appointed by the court. A parenting coordinator could help you implement and comply with court orders, make timely decisions, and reduce the amount of conflict and ultimately help change the pattern of unnecessary re-litigation. 

You can also request a new court date for appropriate sanctions against the other parent. Before deciding to go to court, you will want to deal with any issues as reasonably as possible with the other parent. Here, sayings such as “take the high road” and “don’t sweat the small stuff” are extremely helpful. Courts are likely to give deference to the parent that can show their ability to remain calm and patient despite the conflict raised by the other parent, because it is in the best interest of the child to be with such a parent and because this behavior has more credibility in a courtroom. Therefore, it is in your best interest to be reasonable and thoughtful in all communications.

If you are seeking a court order for a parallel parenting plan, you should be ready for a hearing to determine whether your custody case qualifies as high-conflict, and whether minimized communication would be in the best interest of the child. You can prepare by keeping a log of incidents, documenting unreasonable behavior that could affect the interests of the child (such as fighting in front of or while holding the child), and making sure as many of your communications as possible are written and formal.